Hi Reader,

Have you ever noticed yourself comparing your relationships—and then feeling unsure what to do with that?

Someone brought this up during a recent Love Smarter University coaching call, and it led to such a meaningful conversation that I wanted to share some reflections with you.

We’re often told not to compare our partners—and it’s true that comparison can stir up insecurity, jealousy, or pressure to keep things “equal.”

But in nonmonogamy, comparison isn’t always the enemy. Sometimes, it’s a clue—pointing us toward an unmet need, a tender spot, or a story we’re still figuring out. Emotional data.

In this person’s case, she was dating two people. One connection felt more emotionally romantic and slow-paced, while the other was more casual and kink-focused.

Things got tricky when one of her partners—who had said they weren’t open to new connections—ended up on a romantic date with someone else. The intimacy in that new connection progressed faster than it had with her, and suddenly she found herself wondering:

"Am I behind in one relationship? Do I need to “catch up” to keep things balanced? Will my other partner feel left out if I move forward with someone else first?"

It wasn’t just comparison—it was fear, uncertainty, and a desire to understand what all this meant.

It’s a very human impulse. And in nonmonogamy, this kind of emotional math can sneak in quickly. Especially when relationships look very different or evolve at different speeds.

Here’s how I responded during our session—and what I’d invite you to reflect on, too:

1. Comparison is completely normal.

You’re not doing anything wrong by noticing differences in how your relationships feel or progress. Humans are comparison machines, we can't escape our impulse to compare.

So first and foremost, don't feel bad about doing it. You're not a "bad poly person" if you do it.

2. That said, direct comparison is not always useful.

While there's nothing wrong in noticing the differences, trying to keep everything “equal” across relationships is often more harmful than helpful.
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Each relationship is unique. Each person is different (that's presumably partly why you are drawn to them). And you show up differently with each person, as different people and relationship dynamics draw out different sides of ourselves.

This is a feature of nonmonogamy, not a flaw. Every relationship deserves to unfold in its own way, on its own timeline.

3. Use comparison as information—not instruction.

If you’re noticing a difference between your relationships, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong.

Instead of asking, “How do I make things match?” try asking, “What’s this comparison telling me?”

Is there an unmet need you’re noticing in one connection? A desire you haven’t expressed yet? A boundary you want to revisit?

Let that be data. Not judgment. Not a mandate to change something. Just… data.

4. Your pacing is valid—full stop.

If it takes you longer to feel ready for penetrative sex, sleepovers, or emotional vulnerability, that’s not a problem to solve. That’s just your rhythm.

You don’t need to match anyone else’s speed to be “doing it right.”

5. Anchor in the uniqueness of each connection

Each connection is its own story. If you’re feeling pressure to copy/paste experiences across different relationships, pause and remember: no two connections are the same. They don’t need to look the same.

Let this one be what it is. Trust your process.

When you feel comparison creeping in, try grounding yourself with a mantra like:

"This connection is its own story. It doesn’t need to match another."

It’s a simple reminder, but it helps reduce spiraling and build self-trust.

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By the end of the call, this LSU member reminded herself of something beautiful:

"Not everyone needs to be everything. That’s the whole point of doing this.
I know what I offer, and I can trust that’s enough."

If you've ever felt behind, unsure, or pulled into that comparison trap—know you're not alone. But you're also not stuck. You can step back, listen to what’s really coming up underneath the comparison, and move forward from a place of clarity and choice.

And if you’re navigating multiple relationships and feeling the pull to compare, I hope this gives you a moment to pause—and maybe even listen a little more gently to what your comparison is trying to show you.

With love,​
​Dr. Zhana